You're Under Arrest!
by Grey L. Bloom
Summary: Like Cough Syrup, only longer. The Ladies of the Blue Cat Club make an appearance, and I fall into the Ankh... PG for stuff that might happen. Whee. (Finished... but you'll see me again!)
1. Chapter 1

A/N: (Not related to the anime at all, I swear. It's just a fun title.) This is pretty much the continuing tale branching off of Cough Syrup... only more drawn out and I'm having more fun with it. Also more characters will come around (probably) and I'll most likely get introduced to a delightfully talkative mime in the Scorpion pits. (This is a one-shot until I decide that I don't want to confine myself. So, er, uh... wait five minutes, okie-doke?)  
  
  
You're Under Arrest!  
  
  
The sun set slowly over the Discworld, dragging the light behind it like a bridal gown's train caught on a pew. The reason for this slowness can be discovered in pretty much any of the Discworld books in which the sun rises or sets, but I'm going to bore you with it anyway. So if you know already, just skip the next paragraph.  
  
Ye gods, you're a newbie, aren't you? Okay, fine, I'll explain... It goes something like this: The Discworld sits on the backs of four elephants, who stand on the shell of the enormous star-turtle A'Tuin, who is of undetermined sex (a point much explored in the first two books). Obviously for a planet such as this to exist there must be a very large magical field, thus the magical field acts as a filter for sunlight, like if water is forced through honey. There. Now, do you understand? Good. Lovely. We shall go on.  
  
Finally, darkness fell like the veil of the Bride of Frankenstein (TM). Also like a large piece of black velvet, except there was no screaming and mass suffocation. Also perhaps like blackberry pudding and black paint and star-poo and perhaps also a truckload of mud.  
  
At any rate, it was now night. And dark, except for one falling star on the edge of vision...  
  
It is orange, and traveling quickly through the atmosphere. A high, keening sound emits from it, as though there are whistles glued to the sides.  
  
If we pull closer we realize that the whistling is really something that goes like this: "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPNOOOOOOOOOOOTTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIISAAAAAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN..."  
  
  
  
The handcuffs clacked over the girl's wrists, and she was led away by Captain Carrot, who was reading her rights to her.  
  
"You have the right to breathe, you have the right to pick your nose freely, you have the right to scream, you have the right to ask a lawyer for help, but you may or may not have the right to recieve help, you have the right to give the nice doggie a biscuit if perchance you were to have one on your person..."  
  
Commander Vimes made a note on his pad, scowling. The school may have been forcing her to do things that were illogical and also illegal, but that didn't give her any right to hold the principal hostage and burn down the building.   
  
He swore and ripped the page out. That didn't even make sense to HIM, so it must be stupid.  
  
The day had been slow. The week had been slow. The entire MONTH had been slow. It made him uneasy, like water sucking out, away from the beach, right before a gigantic tidal wave.  
  
  
  
The falling star is heading straight for Ankh-Morpork.  
  
You could say it's a crash course, in fact.  
  
  
  
Vimes loosened his collar as he stepped into his office, walking across the room to open the window. It wasn't just slow, it was also HOT. Hot like inside his wife's Dragon barn. Hot like Klatch in a heatwave. Hot like a demon's jock-   
  
Very hot. Yes.   
  
But it was a dry heat, like an oven instead of the normal sauna-type heat they got in Ankh-Morpork. It made Vimes uncomfortable, and not just because of the chafing.  
  
He sat in his chair and half-heartedly did paperwork for about half an hour. After a while he became aware of something on the edge of hearing, a sort of sound that could only be described by the word "zhweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen".  
  
It was getting louder by the second.  
  
Vimes turned around just in time to see something glowing and orange hit hit the Ankh with a very loud "gloop." He stared at the hole.  
  
And then it exploded.  
  
  
  
"Bloody hell!" Vimes said faintly, staggering down the stares.  
  
He was sopping wet, and dripping polluted liquids onto the floor.  
  
"Alchemists Guild explode again, sir?" Littlebottom asked, barely glancing up.  
  
"No," mumbled Vimes. "The river."  
  
_________  
To Be Continued! 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I TOLD you to wait five minutes.  
  
  
Chapter 2  
  
  
"This was NOT MY IDEA!" the scorched and dripping mud monster screeched, floundering onto the shore.  
  
The Duck Man stared at it. "Oh my," he said faintly.   
  
The monster pointed a quavering tentacle at his head. "What are you looking at?" it howled.  
  
The Duck Man continued to stare at it, abashed. "What?" he said.  
  
The mud monster glowered at him. "I wasn't talking to YOU," it growled, and slouched off.  
  
  
  
"The RIVER blew up, sir?" Cheri gaped, nearly dropping the beaker in her hand. "That... that... it's made of water! Impossible! Water isn't flammable! It, it, it, it, it, it..."  
  
The officers in the room watched her for awhile.  
  
"Could someone take her somewhere nice and padded?" Vimes said after a while. "It appears as though her world as just fallen down around her shoulders."  
  
"Dat's one small woild," Detritus commented, leading the still stuttering dwarf away.  
  
  
  
"That was odd."  
  
"I told 'em I told 'em I told 'em, buggrem, millenium hand and shrimp..."  
  
  
  
"I don't see why you're so worked up, dear," Sybil said from the other room.  
  
Sir Samuel Vimes surfaced like an alligator. "The river blew up, Sybil," he said, bubbles invading the formerly peaceful bathwater.  
  
"But didn't you say that something big and fiery fell into it before it blew?"  
  
Vimes thought for a moment. "Fell" was the wrong word. Threw? Tossed? Ah yes... shot. "I suppose so," he said after a while. "But water doesn't explode very well, does it?"  
  
"Water, no," his wife said, coming into the bathroom to hang up some extra towels. "The Ankh, maybe." She smiled at him and sat down on the side of the bath tub. "I understand you've had a trying day, dear, what with the boarding school incident and then the river blowing up. You really should try to get some rest."  
  
Vimes sunk underneath the water. He was starting to get a headache.  
  
  
  
Someone knocked hesitantly at the main door of the inn. A wo- a person in a black lace dress and high heels tottered up to the door and opened it a crack. "Hyes?" it said in an impossibly high voice. "Hmay Ai ask hyour- BLOODY 'ELL!" it added, in a much lower tone.  
  
The mud creature stuck a foot in the doorway before the person could slam it closed. "I know you remember me, Louisa," said the monster, the words quite muffled. "Could I please come in? And maybe have a bath? I got shot into... I fell into the Ankh."  
  
The door opened as wide as it could go. "Oh, hyou POOR DEAR!" Louisa screeched, her eyes wide. "How long have hyou been in Ankh-Morpork? Hyou should 'ave sent hus ay clacks has soon has hyou harrived!"   
  
"Not very long," the mud-thing grimaced, wiping its feet on the mat and stepping inside. "I'd say about five minutes."  
  
The faded sign over the door bounced when it closed, the barely distinguishable blue cat grinning at the wind.  
  
_________  
To Be Continued! 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: You need to read the original Cough Syrup to understand what's funny about the Blue cat Club, by the way. (heehee!)  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"And thus I arrived," The girl said grimly, sipping her tea.  
  
The circle of interestingly-clad young women around her exhaled as though they had been holding their breath. There was the sound of whalebone under extreme pressure. "How HORRID!" one of them squealed.  
  
"Oh, I wouldn't say horrid, exactly," she said, making a face and pulling the pink satin blanket (freshly laundered, she noticed) tighter around her. "Just really, really surprising."  
  
"So you're like a goddess, aren't you?" one of them sighed. "Going back and forth between worlds and all that."  
  
"Oh goodness, no," the girl said hurriedly, flushing red. "I'm just Grey. Weird things happen to me. This is a fact I have to live with."  
  
"It must be so exciting!"  
  
Grey thought for a moment. "I suppose," she said. "It's pretty frightening at the time, though. I'll probably look back on this and laugh. Or cringe. One of the two."  
  
The one who could be identified as Louisa stood and clapped her hands. "Come along, girls," she squeaked. "I'm sure Grey is very tired. Shall we leave her alone for now?" They all yawned, nodded, and stood on cue, then shuffled out, tripping on their high heels.  
  
"Hyou must hexcuse the girls," Louisa said, smiling in a fluttery way. "They're very hexcitable."  
  
"That's perfectly all right," said Grey, grinning nervously. "It's funny, though..."  
  
"Hwhat is?"  
  
"I look more masculine than all of you, and I'm probably the only girl in the entire building."  
  
  
  
Foul Ole' Ron twisted his coat in his hands.  
  
"What are you saying?" Havelock Vetinari asked him.  
  
"Buggrit, buggrit, I told 'em, can't have no mud monsters walkin' 'round these parts, I told 'em, I told-" Vetinari was staring at him. "Er... a mud thing done come out o' the river. I told 'em," he added rebelliously.  
  
"Really," Vetinari said, jotting something down. "Before or after the water exploded?"  
  
"Buggrit, after, I told 'em."  
  
"I see. Did it... DO anything?"  
  
"Pointed at the Duck Man, buggrem, buggrit, I told 'em, were rude to us, buggrit."  
  
"Rude?"  
  
"Yarss, buggrit."  
  
"Hmm." The Patrician leaned back in his chair. He had heard of monsters (normally from the UU staff) but never a RUDE monster. They tended to just roar and flail and eat people, not insult them. "You're sure it was a monster? Not someone who fell in?"  
  
"It were scorched, I told 'em."  
  
Vetinari paused. It didn't compute. "A scorched mud monster?"  
  
"Yarss, buggrit."  
  
"Hmmm."  
  
  
  
Grey awoke into a smooth pink world.  
  
She drearily stared up at the ceiling. How long have I had pink satin sheets? she wondered idly to herself. Oh yes, now I remember.  
  
But why isn't the room blue?  
  
The girl floundered helplessly in the tangled sheets, somehow contriving to tie herself to the bedstead. She paused in her struggling, and listened carefully for footsteps in the hall.  
  
Someone knocked softly on the door.  
  
"Grey?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You're awake?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
  
  
"By the revolving turnips of the hubwards Dunmanifestin valleys of platitude!"  
  
Ponder Stibbons ran into the HEM building, his eyes wild. Adrian "Big Mad Drongo" Turnipseed, Skazz, and Lump looked up at him expectantly.  
  
"Check Hex's Thaumometers! Now! Quick!"  
  
There was a brief scurry in which many things happened at once, such as Ponder stepping and Lump, causing him to yell and wave his arms, causing Skazz to be hit in the face, causing Big Mad Drongo to be knocked into Hex, knocking the FTB out of place.  
  
+++ Mine! Waaaaaah! +++  
  
Finally they managed to sort themselves out and check the thaumometers, by which time there was nothing there. The three students glared at Ponder.  
  
"Bloody hell!" roared Ridcully, stomping into the large room. "Did you fellows feel that??!"  
  
"The massive magical surge, sir?" Ponder gabbled excitedly. "A surge of that magnitude. who KNOWS what might have happened! I didn't know magic existed like that anymore! I haven't felt anything like that since we climbed through that bathroom window! It was huge! Amazing!"  
  
"Dangerous," Ridcully glowered. "It felt as though the world changed places!"  
  
"It did, didn't it?" Ponder squeaked, bouncing from foot to foot. "Quick! To the astronomy room! Check to see if the stars are different!"  
  
"It's the middle of the afternoon, sir, the stars won't be out," Skazz said patiently.  
  
"Quick! Let's wait until nightfall!"  
  
  
  
"This SUCKS!"  
  
It was much, much later. The girls had decided that Grey needed to fit into Ankh-Morpork society a bit better. So they. modified. some things.  
  
Grey pulled at the corset that was crushing her ribs. "You mean you actually WEAR these bloody things??!" she gasped, attempting to adjust it.  
  
Louise giggled. "How do hyou THINK we got so skinny?" she answered in her special female voice.  
  
"Dieting?" said the girl faintly. "Regular exercise?"  
  
A third young lady (who went by the name of Theodora, harhar) ignored this comment. "Now it's time for your DRESS!" she giggled.  
  
"I'm not wearing pink," Grey said adamantly. "I'll wear a corset and button up high-heeled boots and gloves and even garters, but I'm NOT going to wear pink. Or anything that shows cleavage."  
  
  
  
"It's pink," Grey moaned.  
  
"At least it shows off your cleavage well."  
  
"I don't have any cleavage."  
  
"At least it makes you LOOK like you do."  
  
"Joy and rapture." 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey, just on the off-chance that someone might read this... My father and I are located in eastern Washington (the state, not DC) and we're thinking of starting a Discworld convention here, in Seattle, probably. Would ANYONE be remotely interested in attending? You can put it in the reviews of just email me... I don't get enough email as it is!  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
  
"The stars don't look any different to ME," Ridcully grumbled, peering at the night sky through the curling cigarette smoke.  
  
"No, they don't, do they?" Ponder said, deflating a bit. "I wonder what happened, then?"  
  
"If the WORLD didn't move, then it must've been something ELSE that's huge and shaped like a planet."  
  
  
  
"That corset does WONDERS for your figure, dear," Theodora trilled, pulling Grey's neckline down a bit farther.  
  
Grey blushed and pulled it back up again. "Yes, well, at least you got me a blue dress," she grumbled half-heartedly. "These things aren't half swooshy, aren't they? A bit drafty, actually."  
  
"Oh, you get used to it," a mauve-clad (using the word "clad" lightly) woman named Roberta chattered happily. "Pants, of course, can't hold a CANDLE to a good silk petticoat. They chafe too much."  
  
"Really," Grey said faintly, hiking her skirt up so that she could walk to the mirror without dislocating something. She turned to face the room. "Am I ready?" she asked nervously.  
  
"How about some paint?" a Wilhelmina quavered.  
  
"NO make-up."  
  
  
  
"Beebly-beebly-beep!"  
  
"Ye GODS..."  
  
"One-ish, date with the Patrician!"  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
  
  
"My sources tell me that we have our very own outer-space monster," said Vetinari calmly, steepling his fingers. "What are you going to do about it, Commander Vimes?"  
  
Vimes made some surprised bubbling noises.  
  
Vetinari arched an eyebrow, and glanced down at his desk. "I take it you have not been told of this... unexpected guest?"  
  
Vimes shook his head mutely.  
  
"Hmmm. Well. That DOES complicate things. Apparently a living organism shot through the atmosphere and landed in our very own Ankh just last night, and has since wandered the shore..." here he paused, and read a note in his own handwriting "... And I quote 'were rude' to several of the inhabitants thereon."  
  
"A terrible plague indeed," said Vimes incredulously.  
  
"Indeed. The first order of business is to go to the esteemed Wizards of Unseen University and ask them..."  
  
  
  
"... Just what do you propose to do about this, Stibbons?" Ridcully grunted, spitting out a used-up dog end.  
  
"I, I, I, I.... I was planning on researching it," the younger wizard stuttered.  
  
"Research it? This has happened before?"  
  
"Er, yes, but on a much smaller scale... last month, actually."  
  
"Why wasn't I told??!" Ridcully boomed.  
  
"It cleared up in a few hours," Ponder whined. "We thought it was just a fluke."  
  
"A bloody great fluke THIS is, then," Ridcully muttered darkly.  
  
Ponder flushed an interesting shade of red.  
  
  
  
"All right, maybe some lipstick."  
  
"Oh goody!"  
  
  
  
"... And the next order of business," the Patrician said, "is..."  
  
  
  
"... Find a way to get me home," Grey said decidedly, wobbling on her stilleto heels. "I'm sure you don't want me wandering around blushing like an october apple whenever I see one of your... clients... forever."  
  
"Yes, that was rather embarrassing, wasn't it," Wilhelmina mused, patting her hair.  
  
"It was quite dashing the way you hit him over the head with Louisa's handbag, though," Theodora said brightly, adjusting her hair. "Even though he wasn't being all that forward. In our business, I mean."  
  
"Oh, yes," said Roberta.  
  
"I didn't know Louisa kept bricks in her purse," Grey muttered, shamefaced.  
  
"Just for hemergencies," Louisa said defensively, clutching her handbag.  
  
They were in the Shades, walking down Shackle Alley, which led (at least remotely so) to Pseudopolis Yard. Grey had declared that she needed to get in touch with some wizards or at least Captain Carrot, after which most of the ladies giggled and swooned a bit, to Grey's mounting embarrassment.  
  
There was silence for a moment as they walked.  
  
"Aren't you afraid that the good Captain won't know you?" quavered Roberta after a moment, her high auburn curls bobbing.  
  
"Of course he won't know me, I've just arrived," Grey said, giving the taller woman a strange look.  
  
"Oh, but he knows everyone," Wilhelmina said, as though anxious to be helpful. Her high beehive of hair waved in the wind.  
  
"But he doesn't know me," Grey stated.  
  
"And hwon't he think that's a bit hodd?" Louisa said a bit absently, peering at Grey through the corners of her lavishly mascara-ed eyes.  
  
"Ooooh noooooo," the girl groaned, covering her face.  
  
"You could be new in town!" Theodora cried happily.  
  
"That's hrather apparent, don't hyou think?" Louisa said, glancing meaningfully at Grey, who flushed.  
  
"I'm that obvious?" she said sadly.  
  
"You're not... well..." Roberta started, and then stared at Theodora imploringly.  
  
"You're not CORRUPTED enough, dear," Theodora said kindly. "I've never seen anyone blush so much at the prospect of wearing petticoats, and believe me, I've seen a few."  
  
"A few of what?" Wilhelmina chortled, but shut up after Theodora glared at her.  
  
"Hyour testosterone is hacting up again, dear," Louisa said absently.  
  
"Yes, Louisa."  
  
"Hyou should take hyour medicine as soon as hwe get back."  
  
"Yes, Louisa."  
  
"And take off that bloody wig. Something's nesting in it, for gods' sakes." 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: *sweatdrop* No, I guess not... ach, well. Who cares? *does a happy dance*  
  
  
Chapter 5  
  
  
BANG BANG BANG  
  
"OPEN UP IN THERE!" Louisa yelled, thumping the black doors with her fist.  
  
Roberta put her ear to the door, listening carefully. "Someone's coming!" she trilled suddenly, and the four Blue Cats adjusted their skirts hurriedly.  
  
The door creaked open an inch. "Yes?" quavered part of a face.  
  
"Hwe are but poor and hlost seamstresses," Louisa glowered at him, stepping forward. "Hwe HUMBLY hask to speak hwith hyour Archchancellor."  
  
"W-w-w-w-women aren't allowed in the University," the wizard stuttered, rallying magnificently in the face of, well, Louisa.  
  
Wilhelmina sighed. "That," she said, inserting her foot in the door, "shouldn't be a problem."  
  
  
  
The student wizard Jemish Moist had NOT had a good day. He had been trampled. He had been yelled at. He had been lectured. He had been tested. He had failed an exam.  
  
And then the classes had started.  
  
Jemish was now minus two eyebrows, most of his nose hair, and his chances of growing a beard for the next fifteen years or so. Maybe he could get a posting in the HEM building...  
  
And then the five lovely ladies had knocked. He wasn't sure if he was going to survive another minute.  
  
  
  
BANG BANG BANG  
  
"OPEN UP IN THAR!" Detritus yelled, thumping the black doors with his fist.  
  
Nobby put his ear to the door, listening carefully. "Someone's coming!" he hissed suddenly, and the four Watchmen hurriedly stood to attention (excepting, of course, the wonderful and humble Sam Vimes).  
  
The door creaked open an inch. "Yes?" quavered part of a face.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Moist!" Carrot said, his face brightening. "Is the Archchancellor about? We really need to talk to him."  
  
"Er, er, er, come right in," the wizard stuttered, melting under Carrot's beaming gaze.  
  
"I told you we only needed to ask," the Captain told Vimes.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever..."  
  
  
  
"What's all this??!" the Archchancellor roared at the student wizard.  
  
The young man found he didn't need to go to the privy anymore. "Jemish is on door duty so he sent me to find you and show the, er" -he gulped, remembering all too many wallops to the head with a pink umbrella- "... ladies to you."  
  
"Ai am hMiss Louisa Turnuppit," Louisa bellowed, gouging the boy out of the way with her parasol. "These are hmai colleagues, hMiss hWilhelmina Skurt, hMiss Theodora Schmittenheimer, and hMiss Roberta Sett."  
  
Grey leaned back as Ridcully bent over her, his enormous pink face filling the entire world. She had laughed when the Bursar found himself needing handfuls of dried frog pills when being presented with the Archchancellor's enormous countenance at close range, but she found herself wanting to say something... "Whoops, there goes Mr. Jelly?" she mumbled apologetically.  
  
"And who's THIS?" Ridcully said a bit too loudly.  
  
Grey stuck out a hand, remembering herself. "Grey," she said faintly.  
  
"Miss Grey what?"  
  
The girl blushed like a volcano had erupted behind her face. "I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not a Seamstress," she muttered, grinning nervously. "I'm just Grey. Just Grey."  
  
Ridcully turned to Louisa. "All right, fine," he said. "But why are you HERE?"  
  
The seamstresses, to a man, pointed right at Grey. "Her," Louisa said.  
  
Grey somehow contrived to blush more.  
  
  
  
"I must warn you," said the boy in front of them. "The Archchancellor is meeting with someone else right now, so you'll 'ave to wait."  
  
"We're here by order of the Patrician," Vimes growled, marching ahead.  
  
"Yes, yes, but the Archchancellor is 'ere because 'e's the 'ead of the University," the boy stuttered. "And 'e doesn't 'ave a lot of free time."  
  
"He'll just have to make some."  
  
"I was afraid you were going to say that." The boy pushed open the door to the HEM building miserably. "Thar 'e is."  
  
  
  
"Louisa!" Wilhelmina squealed, tugging at the older woman's arm.  
  
"hWHAT?" Louisa growled.  
  
"Look!" Roberta tittered, giggling into her handkerchief.  
  
Louisa looked. So did Grey. Louisa giggled. Grey blushed and hid behind Louisa.  
  
Commander Samuel Vimes walked into the room, glared at the five women, and turned to the Archchancellor, opening his mouth. He stopped. He turned. He stared.  
  
"You might want to close your mouth, dear," Theodora said. "Flies might be attracted, and that can be VERY embarrassing."  
  
"How did you like the eye shadow, incidentally?" Roberta asked. 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Welcome to Uber-Ville, home of the Uber-Burger, can I take your order?  
  
  
Chapter 6  
  
  
"Eye shadow," said Nobby, swaying back and forth.  
  
"That doesn't COUNT, you TRICKED me!" yelled Vimes.  
  
Louisa giggled and fluttered her fan. "Tricked, hencouraged, same difference."  
  
Grey tried to become invisible.  
  
"Eye shadow," said Nobby, swaying back and forth.  
  
"Same difference my FOOT," Vimes glowered. "I was DRUGGED!"  
  
"Is that so?" Theodora giggled. "Even so, you were AWFULLY energetic."  
  
"It was a SPECIAL drug."  
  
"Eye shadow," said Nobby, swaying back and forth.  
  
Grey pulled on Wilhelmina's arm, and they held a hissed conversation.  
  
"There was this GIRL, she was in my office, and she gave me..." a wince did a merry jig across Vimes' features "... Cough Syrup," he spat.  
  
Wilhelmina innocently covered Grey's face with her fan.  
  
"Eye shadow," said Nobby, swaying back and forth.  
  
"Ai never knew that cough syrup contained SPECIAL drugs," Louisa mused. "Maybe hwe should make it han option..."  
  
Carrot blushed profusely. "Corporal Longbottom found traces of treated sugar in the cup," he said, trying to sound as official as possible while being in possession of two beet-red ears. "It's been assumed that the perpetrator was in contact with several apothecaries and perhaps even some alchemists, though we could find no one who would admit to using such drugs."  
  
"Tweren't drugs, it was Nyquil," Grey muttered, adjusting her hair behind the fan.  
  
"Eye shadow," said Nobby, swaying back and forth.  
  
"And she sounded... just... like... HER!" Vimes squeaked, pointing a quavering finger at Wilhelmina's upheld fan. "Move that thing out of the way!!"  
  
Wilhelmina sighed and brought the fan down, glancing at Grey out of the corner of her eye.  
  
Louisa, Theodora, and Roberta's mouths all dropped. "Wilhelmina, that's your-" Roberta started.  
  
"This is hMiss Grace hMason," Louisa tittered, smacking Roberta in the stomach in a very unlady-like fashion. "She's a hnew apprentice."  
  
Grey blushed and patted Wilhelmina's wig, which had found a new host.  
  
"Eye shadow," said Nobby, swaying back and forth.  
  
  
  
"What's going on?" Ridcully asked Ponder in a stage whisper.  
  
Ponder winced. "They seem to be having an argument," he hissed back.  
  
Ridcully listened the conversation bounce back and forth for a while.  
  
"About eye shadow?"  
  
"Apparently," Ponder said miserably.  
  
"Eye shadow," said Nobby, swaying back and forth.  
  
  
  
"But back to the subject, hwhy are hyou here?" Louisa asked politely, flipping her hair back.  
  
"I'm conducting important Watch business," Vimes snapped. "There's some mud monster on the rampage."  
  
"Grace Mason" paled. "Mud monster?" she squeaked.  
  
"Apparently it was rude to several... citizens," he growled. "A terrible plague indeed."  
  
"That wasn't a mud monster," Grey said, her stomach churning acidicly. "It was me. I fell into the Ankh. I'm sorry to have caused so much trouble."  
  
Vimes glared at her for a bit. "I commend your ability to recover so quickly," he said finally. ("Of course," Grey muttered under her breath. "I've been to Los Angeles.") He turned to Ridcully. "It looks like I don't have to speak with you after all, Archchancellor. Miss Mason cleared up the problem." He touched his helmet and stalked off.  
  
There was silence for a moment.  
  
"Ai hwonder if he knows that he left his little hmonkey," Louisa said.  
  
"Eye shadow," said Nobby, swaying back and forth. 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This is my space to rant! Rantage! Wooooooot! Sometimes I think that I'm too much of a doormat... people take advantage of me without realizing it, and even -I- don't realize it 'till later. Is this a problem?  
  
  
Chapter 7  
  
  
"hWell," Louisa said breathlessly, adjusting her dress. "That hwas interesting, hwasn't hit?"  
  
"That was an emergency?" Grey asked faintly.  
  
"He hwas... CRAWLING all over me," Louisa sniffed. "Ai think Ai had a hright."  
  
"Poor ma- bo- Watchman," Roberta sighed. "I doubt his jaw will ever look the same again."   
  
"That's a mercy," Theodora said, and the four Seamstresses erupted in giggles.  
  
"So you're Miss Mason now?" Ridcully said.   
  
Grey gave a nervous smile. "Um, no, still just Grey," she answered, poking her wig.  
  
"And the reason all these fine ladies are here is...?"  
  
"Me," Grey said miserably. "I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I could control it, I thought that as long as I didn't inhale... er, ah, I mean, that is..." She sighed. "Look, do you have anyone here named Rincewind?"  
  
Ridcully's enormous forehead wrinkled. "As in the cheese boy?" he asked. "Three pounds of mature Rincewind?"  
  
"Um. Yes?" Grey ventured.  
  
"He must be around here somewhere, why?"  
  
"Well, you know his kind of desk?..."*  
  
  
  
Vimes squirmed uncomfortably.   
  
"You say it was an apprentice Seamstress that fell into the Ankh?" Vetinari asked.  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Her name?"   
  
"Grace Mason, sir."  
  
The Patrician arched an eyebrow as he looked through several papers on his desk. "There... does not appear to be a 'Grace Mason' anywhere on the Seamstresses Guild member list," Vetinari said, giving Vimes a Look. "Indeed," he added, running his finger down a list of what looked quite a bit like names and addresses, "there seem to be only three Grace Masons in the entire city, each over the age of seventy-five."  
  
"So what we have here is..."  
  
"... An impostor, yes, although don't ask me what or who she's impostoring," Vetinari said. He gave Vimes an on/off smile. "Luckily it isn't Mud Monsters anymore."  
  
  
_________  
* I've never actually READ the Science of the Discworld, so I don't know what Roundworld looks like, etc. So if some kind soul could perhaps gently push me into the right direction...? 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Grey begins to realize that maybe there's more to this then she first realized... Oh, and "biffa" means "big, butch girl". I saw it on some slang site and absolutely HAD to use it.   
  
  
Chapter 8  
  
  
"That's Roundworld?" Grey asked, peering at the gently rotating glass globe. "Looks an awful lot like itself, actually."  
  
"It's SUPPOSED to," Rincewind said.  
  
A few minutes ago he was happily sitting around being bored out of his mind until the Archchancellor burst in with this... this... GIRL in tow, demanding to see the Roundworld.  
  
And there it was. Roundworld.  
  
"Is it supposed to make funny noises?" Grey asked.  
  
Rincewind looked alarmed. "No?" he squeaked.  
  
Grey looked relieved. "That's good, because it isn't."  
  
If looks could kill...  
  
"So, anyway," she said, turning back to the Archchancellor, "that's where I need to get back to."  
  
"By magic?" Ridcully inquired.  
  
"Can you think of another way?" Grey asked.  
  
Rincewind stared at the girl. She hadn't said that sarcastically. She had almost sounded... desperate. Like she didn't want to use magic.  
  
"No," said Ridcully. He grinned and rubbed his big hands together. "You ready?"  
  
Grey smiled back at him, her eyes nervous. "Um," she said.  
  
"Oh, come ON, Grey," Roberta said, giggling a little. "You're a biffa, you can handle it." Theodora whacked her.  
  
"Yes, then," Grey said. "It's all right." She paused. "What, NOW?"  
  
"No time like the present!" Ridcully hollered. He slapped Rincewind on the back, nearly knocking him over. "Quick, get me three blue candles, a box of occult chalk, some fresh, raw chicken and four plates of garden salad."  
  
Rincewind stared at him.  
  
"The ladies are probably hungry," Ridcully said, as if that explained everything.  
  
"Oh, of COURSE," Rincewind spat, glowering as he slouched out the door.  
  
And so they waited for Rincewind to find the kitchen, get whacked by Mrs. Whitlow, make off with the salads and the chicken, limp to the storeroom, try to get the occult chalk off the top shelf, have several pounds of occult items tumble down and hit him over the head, and then somehow make it back to his office.  
  
"You're back!" Theodora cried, draping herself on him. Rincewind turned red and tried to banish all potatoe-y thoughts from his mind.  
  
  
  
**Two Flash-Floods, Four Occult Circles, and Thirty-Five Garden Salads Later...**  
  
  
  
"So now you get into the circle," Ridcully said.  
  
"I'm IN the circle," Grey said. "You drew it around me."  
  
("It's TORTURE getting chalk out of wood," Rincewind muttered.)  
  
"Right," the Archchancellor said, and coughed. "Rincewind, light the candles! Dean, prepare the chicken!"  
  
"What, like marinate it?"  
  
"Shut up and give me the bloody chicken."  
  
("I don't see why we couldn't have just gone outside.")  
  
Ridcully waved his hands mystically over the drippy chicken, muttering oblong words that shone in the air. ("I mean, it's MY bloody office.") Light flashed, rafters dripped, and there was a general magical hubbub that pretty much scared the socks off of everyone in the room, except for the four Seamstresses and Grey, since they were wearing stockings.  
  
  
  
Later, Wilhelmina said that she had never seen anyone stretch out like that before. It was like the girl in the circle was made out of rubber, and someone had grabbed her head and pulled UP, then let go suddenly so that she snapped back...  
  
And then she disappeared.  
  
  
  
In a black country on the edge of the universe, Death looked up.  
  
HMMM, he said. 


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: HOOHOOHOO!  
  
  
Chapter 9  
  
  
"Holy crap," Grey said calmly.  
  
INDEED, Death replied, watching her closely.  
  
She winced. "So I'm dead, then?" she asked, fear and disappointment playing across her features.  
  
IT APPEARS SO, Death said slowly, patting his robe as if looking for something.  
  
"I know I'm not supposed to ask what happens next," Grey said forlornly.  
  
IT'S NOT EXACTLY AGAINST THE RULES, Death said, circling around her.  
  
"Oh... okay. Um... so what happens next?"  
  
ER... Death picked up her left leg and stared at her ankle. I'M NOT REALLY SURE. ESPECIALLY IN YOUR CASE.  
  
Grey wriggled in his frigid fingers. "What do you mean, in my case?!" she said incredulously.  
  
LOOK. SEE? EMOTIONS. DEAD PEOPLE DON'T HAVE EMOTIONS. IT"S BECAUSE OF-  
  
"Glands," Grey said, taking her ankle back. "Yes, I know. And I don't HAVE any."  
  
ACTUALLY, IT APPEARS THAT YOU DO, Death said, glaring at his scythe.  
  
Grey stared dumbly at him. "Sorry?" she managed after a moment. "But I'm DEAD. No GLANDS. Comes from not living in a body. Comes from not living at all, actually."  
  
YOU SEEM TO HAVE A BODY -SOMEWHERE-, Death replied. His scythe vanished.  
  
"Somewhere?"  
  
OH YES.  
  
Grey stared at him. "How do you know?"  
  
YOU DON'T HAVE A LIFETIMER, Death said. THE SCYTHE WON'T CUT YOUR LIFELINE. YOUR LIFELINE IS SUPPOSED TO BE BLUE, AND IT'S RED. ALSO, IT'S SPINNING OFF IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. THE WORLD OF THE DISCWORLD LIVING IS- he pointed in the opposite direction- THAT WAY.  
  
Grey paused. "Okay," she said. "Then what's in the other direction?"  
  
Death grinned at her in the way that only cats and skeletons can manage properly. YOUR BODY, IT APPEARS.  
  
"Um, hi, sorry I'm late," called a voice from somewhere behind Death. He turned. It was a small girl with medium-ish black and and a long white robe. She grinned nervously at Death and Grey as a clipboard materialized in her hand. "So you're Grey, then?" she asked, staring at the clipboard, a pencil popping into existence behind her ear.  
  
"Um, yes?" Grey said. "Who are you?"  
  
The little girl looked relieved. "Oh, I'm Life of Earth," Life said. Death stared at her. "Roundworld," Life said helpfully. Death nodded slowly.  
  
"Anyway, it looks as though one of my customers has wandered into your territory," she said, stalking forward authoritatively and grabbing Grey by the wrist. "We'll just be going now."  
  
"How?" Grey wailed.  
  
Life glowered at the taller girl. "Click your ruby slippers together, of course," she grumbled. Grey stared at her feet. "I was being SARCASTIC," Life sighed. "Just... here."  
  
The two girls vanished with a resounding "thwoop". Death stared at the spot where they had been, and then shrugged.  
  
Not his problem.  
  
Death disappeared, and No Man's Land was No Man's Land once more....  
  
  
  
"I say, this is bloody good salad," Wilhelmina adomished daintily around a mouthful of lettuce.  
  
"Dun' talk wif yer mouf furr," Roberta scolded.  
  
"Ladies..."  
  
  
__________  
Endus Maximus 


End file.
